He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
