Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
