i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
