I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
