My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
