why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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