Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
