I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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