I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
