remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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