listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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