too bad you live with your parents still
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
