I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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