i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
