I just saw a hot homeless man
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
