girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
