If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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