I cockslap morals
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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