I accidentally had phone sex last night
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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