Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
