i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
