Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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