I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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