My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
