i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
