Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
