Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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