We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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