im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
