my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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