I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
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24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
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You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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