I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
