Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
