i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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