The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
