Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
