I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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