youre lurking in front of me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
