So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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