Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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