youre lurking in front of me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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