I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
