I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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