As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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