you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It's like God shit irony all over that family
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
