Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
