its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
