**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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