When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
