Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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