i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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