Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
