Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
