I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
