the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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