she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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