he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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