elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
