I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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