I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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